Whats the news on the street?

The Bather, William-Adolphe Bouguereau.

Everything has been getting to me lately- people, events, everything. Idealistically I’d like to put the blame on others… other people have just been annoying and idiotic, shitty things have been happening in my life etc. But really, it’s just me. I’ve come to the point where I’ve stepped back and realised that I need to change a lot, sort my self out. In the past few weeks I’ve turned my back on all the good work I’ve done weight wise and gained a lot of the weight back. I’ve just gotten lazy and lost sight of my goal. Its time to get back on the boat and paddle to the free country (and by free country I mean my ideal weight). Hey, I know that appearance isn’t everything and whatever, but I figure next year is a completely new phase of my life and I want to be a ‘new’ person for that- a much happier person. I don’t want to lose any of my spunk of my personality though. The following list will illustrate how I will become even more (is that possible??) bad ass:

• Become a ‘happy’ weight.
• Do things that make you happy.
• Buy things that make you happy.
• Refrain from seeking others approval.
• Realise that YOU are the only person that realistically matters.
• In saying that you’re going to die alone (this isn’t in a ‘oh no I’m forever alone </3’ sort of thing, but more in a literal sense) do you really want to live alone? (the answer is no).

Sometimes I feel as though I may come off as a little materialistic/vain/self centred, but I feel as though I am one of those people that can clearly see their own faults and I’ve come to realise that my positive attributes outweigh the negative, so this lady is here to stay.

I’ll never learn.

Turns out everything is back to how it used to be, which needless to say, is not a good thing.
If there is one thing I cannot stand is people breaking promises? Why make them in the first place if you have no intention with going through with them?
To make things worse, I discussed with him that night about how badly he ‘fucked me over’, so to speak, and he seemed sincerely apologetic.
I knew that this was going to happen, part of me just wanted to think the best of him, which evidently was ridiculously stupid and naive.

Shouldn’t this all be easier?

I honestly think I could get used to having someone there for me all the time, someone to hold, caress and ultimately love. I think I’ve just been too afraid to let myself be utterly vulnerable and take the chance to let someone inside me. It scares the heck out of me, I can’t, or maybe I just don’t want to imagine someone knowing everything about me. Im not sure if I want someone to be able to tell what I’m thinking just by certain mannerisms or the subtle tones of my voice. Ultimately though, I’m just afraid of letting all of this happen and just being left, all alone with nothing but the carcass of lost love.

Sometimes its hard to follows others orders, its even harder to follow your own.

If someone has an almost paranormal ‘hold’ over you and you’re addicted to kissing, its alright isn’t it?

I promised myself I would never go there again with him. I mean, I made myself 100% vulnerable to him, something I rarely, if ever do. He disregarded it completely and pissed off with some other girl. Yet here I am, as soon as the opportunity arises, inviting him over to ‘chill’. I’m not complaining about ‘chilling’ (not complaining at all), but I guess I’m just disappointed with myself. However, we did discuss what happened and he apologised; its easy to say sorry and not mean it right, especially when you know thats what they want to hear and you’re going to get something out of it. He, of course, had to  abruptly leave once he was finished, so to speak, but promised he’d make it up to me and visit Thursday. I guess we shall see what happens then, if it even happens. Maybe he heard the hurt in my voice and realised what he had done, maybe but probably not.